I walk through the empty parking lot towards the stairs. Usually, I walk as slowly as possible, but tonight, I briskly walked up the concrete stairs and into the church. For once, I was not dreading the meeting. For once, I had something positive to say, and it felt exhilarating. I looked around the room to see two other people had already arrived. Five minutes pass and the meeting still has not started. We are waiting for June, our sponsor, to arrive. My feet are uncontrollably tapping on the floor, waiting for my moment. Five more minutes pass and I can see June opening the door. She looks up to see that every chair is full, minus one that awaits her to complete the circle. She speedwalks over to her spot, and opens up the meeting with the serenity prayer. Finally she asks, “Would anyone like to start off the meeting today?” Now’s my chance. I raise my hand and dive into my story. “Hi, my name is James. These past few months have been rough for me, but I think things are starting to change, especially after my night. It all started as I made my way to my Ma’s house for Christmas dinner.”
Slowly, I trudge through the snow to the front door, hoping that this night will be over soon. I reach a hand out to knock on the door, when I’m thrown backwards in time.
Numbness. That was the only thing I could feel. This night had started out so amazing, how had it ended like this? I sat there on the road, lost in my mind. I kept racking my brain as to what had happened. I was fine, I had everything under control, and I was perfectly fine to drive. Right? I know my body better than anyone, if I wasn’t ok to drive, then I would have never gotten into the car. By this point, the numbness was starting to disappear. Hearing footsteps heading towards me, my head shot up. Through the flashing lights, I could see a man in uniform heading my way. With every step he took, my heart pounded harder and harder in my chest. When there were no more steps to take, the officer began to speak. “Sir, have you been drinking tonight?”
Shaking the memory off, I reach my hand out to knock on the door once more. This time, however, my hand is shaking. Will they forgive me? Are they still angry with me? Maybe I should just leave? Before I could walk away, I heard the jingling of bells, a telltale sign that someone was opening the door. Damn, I was too late. I peer up the door to see the face of my mother, gaping at me. I suppose it was quite a shock to see me, I hadn’t been to a family gathering in years. Not since that night.
“James?” she gasped. “Is that really you? Has my baby boy finally come home?”
I slowly turn around, smile at her, and say,” Hey, ma. It’s good to see you.”
With her eyes brimming with tears, she pulls me into her arms. Comforted by her warm embrace for the first time in years, my vision blurred, overflowing with tears. I had missed her. I hated myself for causing her so much pain.
“Well, don’t just stand there,” she said. “Come on in, supper’s almost ready.”
One look at her smiling face as she waved me inside, and my heart lightened. I was home. As I enter the house, I am greeted by the entire family. They greet me with open mouths and silence, stunned by my presence. Maybe I will be able to make it through tonight, without any judgement. Once their shock wears off, the unspoken anger and judgement begins to roll into their eyes. They peer over at me, as if daring me to
approach them. Or maybe not. Their eyes follow my every movement, as if at any moment I will fuck up again. As their eyes burn holes into the back of my head, my skin begins to crawl. The cravings are back. I can see it now. My hand gripping the dark, long-necked bottle, I pop the cap off. Slowly, I lift the bottle to my lips, as if this will be the last thing I ever drink. Soon, the amber liquid trickles down my throat, leaving a burning sensation in its wake.
“Supper’s ready everyone! Time to eat!” yells my mother.
Instantly, I am snapped out of my daydream and a wave of shame rolls over me. I have come too far to let myself slip now. I just need to breathe and remember what I’ve learned these past few months. Step 1: Admit that I am powerless over alcohol. Step 2: Come to believe that a Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. Step 3: Turn my life over to God. As I repeat each step, I feel a wave of shame leave my body. I leave my position in the living room, and head into the dining room for supper. Surrounded by people, the room was silent. The only sounds heard are forks scraping against plates, chairs squeaking in movement, and ice jingling in glasses. Unusual for our family gatherings, but I chalked that up to my presence at the table. Step 8: Make a list of everyone I have harmed, and be willing to make amends with them all. Step 9: Make amends. On wobbly legs, I stand up from the table and clear my throat. With everyone’s attention now on me, my heart begins to race. What am I doing? I should just sit down and stay quiet. Ignoring my inner voice, I power through and begin to address the elephant in the room.
Avoiding their eyes, I began to speak. “I know many of you are shocked to see me tonight. To be honest with you, I was shocked too. I wasn’t planning on coming
tonight, afraid I would disrupt your lives even more, but I thought you all deserved to hear this.” I look up from the table and lock eyes with my mother before continuing.
“I hoped to apologize and make amends with you all tonight for the hell I have put you through these past few months. I was irresponsible, I acted irrationally, and I hurt you all in unimaginable ways. The truth of the matter is that I had a problem, but I didn’t want to admit that. I wanted to believe that I had everything under control, that I was fine. I didn’t want to admit that I was broken and I needed help. That night, when I crashed Ma’s car, was a wake up call for me. I shouldn’t have been in that car, and I was so incredibly lucky that no one got hurt. I was given a second chance. I understand now that I have a problem, that I am an alcoholic. I understand now that I do not have it under control.”
As I finish up my speech, I dig through my pockets until I feel it. My fingers wrap around the hard, round chip. Pulling it out of my pocket, I hand it to my mother.
“These past few months, I have worked so hard to be at peace with myself and my mistakes. I am proud to announce to you all that I am 90 days sober. It is just a start, I still have a long, never ending road ahead of me, but it’s a start. I hope that, in time, you will all be able to forgive me for how I treated you. I have felt so ashamed of myself and for hurting you. I love you all.”
My mother is smiling at me, tears of joy streaming down her face, as she clutches my 90 day chip to her chest. The rest of my family is having similar reactions to her, all having tears rolling down their cheeks. Suddenly, I was yanked into a group hug by my family. I relished in their love for me, and my face was frozen into an elated grin.
“So that, is how my night went. I had no idea how tonight was going to turn out. I was terrified at first, but everything worked out alright. For now at least. I know that everything is not fixed yet, but it was a small step in the right direction. For everyone who is new here, and that is doubting that these meetings help, I am proof that they do. I know it doesn’t feel like it at first, but trust me they do.”
After finishing my story, I am surrounded by claps and words of encouragement from my fellow alcoholics. The rest of the night, a smile is permanently painted on my face. I sit through the rest of the meeting, listening to everyone tell their stories. I even provided words of encouragement and reminded them to have faith in the steps. Eventually, everyone had said their piece and it was time to clean up. Even that didn’t wipe the smile off my face. I cheerfully helped to pack up the chairs, box up the leftover food, and lock up the church before walking back home. As I walked, I repeated the steps in my head once more. Step 1: Admit that I am powerless over alcohol. Step 2: Come to believe that a Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. Step 3: Turn my life over to God. .... Step 8: Make a list of everyone I have harmed, and be willing to make amends with them all. Step 9: Make amends. ...
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